According to a new report out of Case Western Reserve University, waking up and groggily asking “what happened last night” while clumsily rubbing your face is still the best indicator of a wild night.
Case Western, the perennial experts on the topic, defended that among the many metrics used to gauge a previous night’s level of debauchery, rhetorically asking “what happened” upon awakening remains the most accurate.
“We found that mumbling ‘what happened’ as one regained consciousness was correlated with a 37% increase in alcohol consumption and a 112% increase in incoherent texts sent to an ex,” the report stated.
This comes after Case Western’s expertise on the topic fell under scrutiny from a consortium of SEC schools also studying so-called “rowdiness indicators.”
“While we respect our colleagues at CWRU, we do not feel that these nerds are properly equipped to be
studying this topic,” commented an unnamed researcher at the University of Alabama.
This consortium had recently made claims that waking up with lewd comments markered on your face was the best indicator of an out-of-hand night. However, according to this report, unexplained Sharpie markings only came in third place, below waking up on a roof.
The study, which sampled more than 1,000 participants over the course of five years, is the most rigorous investigation of the subject to date. “We really hope that our results can shed some light on overblown party stories,” stated lead researcher Dr. Jonathan Schulberg.