Santa Constipated

A child sits on the lap of a tense-looking Santa Claus
Santa is reportedly requesting milk and Fiber One bars for next year’s Christmas.

Several elves at the North Pole have announced that, in light of the mass amounts of milk poured out for him on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is reportedly constipated. Jolly Jerry, an upper-level associate of Claus, claimed he consulted Santa on the serious accusations presented to him.

“It’s becoming a big problem, so I suggested he take it easy this Christmas,” said Jerry, plugging his nose amidst the fumes of farts in Claus’ office, “But he thinks everyone’s just milking it.”

“How dare he!?” Claus retorted, huffing in his robe while letting out a quiet one, silent as the night, “Anyone pushing these “he who smelt it, dealt it” allegations is getting coal this Christmas!”

According to sources, the situation was getting so out of hand that the elves called Mrs. Claus in like a missile to toe the line.

“Do you hear what I hear? He just passed gas again,” Mrs. Claus said. Reports on Christmas Eve revealed she pleaded for him to take it slow before going out into the snowy night, “You know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen all got a whiff of that!”

At press time, Ms. Claus put forth a press release asking families around the world to consider using dairy alternatives such as almond or oat milk, so as to not cause any further constipation.

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