Kevin McCarthy Cuts Deal With Far-Right Caucus, Gives Up Ten Extra Minutes On The Swings

An image of house speaker Kevin McCarthey (R-CA)
McCarthy also allegedly promised Rep. Boebert in return for her vote that he would be her best friend.

The historically extended election cycle for the Speaker of the House of Representatives has drawn to a close following a political alliance between premier Republican nominee Kevin McCarthy and far-right members of Congress that leaves McCarthy with ten less minutes on the congressional swingset than would typically be afforded to the House Speaker.

“As a small government conservative, I cannot give such a high office to a man who will side with the entrenched freeze-tag establishment,” said Rep. Matt Gaetz, a figurehead of the anti-McCarthy caucus and champion of the concerns of the far-right on McCarthy’s playground behaviors. “The ‘swamp’ has controlled the monkey bars and jungle gym for too long.” 

Allies of McCarthy attempted repeatedly to pressure the holdouts into voting for McCarthy, including Majority Whip Tom Emmer, who threatened that “[Gaetz] will not be invited to my birthday party.”

Finally, after fourteen unsuccessful elections and many rounds of negotiations, pro- and anti-McCarthy factions reached an agreement: the “Freedom Caucus” would fall in line behind McCarthy, and in exchange, McCarthy would forgo the extra ten minutes on the congressional swing set typically afforded to the Speaker. Additionally, McCarthy would grant committee appointments to his objectors, including seats on the Subcommittee For Monkey Bars Affairs and the House Kickball Committee.

At press time, Rep. Gaetz was escorted off of the congressional playground, which he is barred from standing within 1,000 feet of.

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