Ann Arbor To Replace Bike Lanes With Alligator-Infested Moats

Alligators swimming in moat in designated bike lane
The moat will be crossable only by a drawbridge over State St.

A recent document from the City Planning Commission of Ann Arbor has revealed plans to turn the city’s bike lanes into long, booby-trapped trenches.

In past years, Ann Arbor residents have raised concerns over what many say are “glaring infrastructural shortcomings,” such as a lack of bike lanes, high housing costs, and poor road quality. However, the city council has insisted that these changes “just aren’t quite as important as the necessity for gator-infested pits.”

“While we hear the voices of those who commute by bike, they’re unfortunately not our number one concern,” explained Ann Arbor council member Brian Rhee. “Rather, our focus is on the mounting pressure of an eastward invasion by Ypsilanti.”

“Frankly, I’m a fan of the moats,” exclaimed Ann Arbor native Jonah Varke. “Sure, the idea of ravines packed with carnivorous reptiles was tough to accept at first, but the safety they would provide against advancing nation-state aggression overall outweighs the risk of vehicular injury.”

While some, such as Varke, have come to accept the developments, environmental activist Anne Tiye casted doubt on the moats. “There just seem to be an abundance of logistics that haven’t been accounted for. Where will people ride their bikes? How do we prevent children from falling in? Where will the alligators live in the winter? It’s all very confusing.”

Following the completion of a prototype moat on Tuesday, witnesses reported seeing upwards of three “alligators-turned-roadkill” near the site, “even though [the alligators] had the right of way.”

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