Surrounding nations are taking extensive measures to drown out the cries of China as it mourns
the loss of its “brand new, super shiny, very special” balloon.
Bystanders to the incident disclosed that China received the balloon after being a very
well-behaved country the entire day of February 1st, 2023. However, this composure quickly
unraveled after China’s attention was captured by a whimsical parade of tanks, unintentionally
releasing the string from its buttery little paws.
The world’s most populous country has been letting out unrelenting sobs so deafening, the
United Nations have initiated an emergency meeting to discuss possible strategies to silence this
whining nation. Current suggestions include: encapsulating China in a China-sized dome,
distracting it with other kickass military devices to fidget with, or just giving it a little shake to
make it shut up for just one sweet, sweet second.
Russia, a trusted playmate of China, attempted to ameliorate the issue by procuring an even
bigger, even redder balloon, but other members of the UNSC criticized this move, noting that
“China didn’t even say please and this is exactly the type of positive reinforcement that we’ve
been trying to avoid.” The United States added, “this is exactly what not to do when dealing with
potential global superpowers who don’t get their way,” recalling the time the entire bottom half
of the country tried to secede.
