Move over Rosa Parks. Back off, Marie Curie. And Malala, you can step aside. There’s a new furious female in town, and I’m here to crush the patriarchy like the hood of my Subaru Outback.
They say well-behaved women rarely make history, and baby, you don’t have to tell me twice. I didn’t back down when the cops undermined my intelligence by insinuating I didn’t know the alphabet backward.
Stay mad, everyone. You’re just pissed off that I know my worth, which I found out down to the penny when I had to call three different ex-boyfriends to find someone to post my bail at the county lock-up.
I’m the only one brave enough to take a stand against the patriarchy, like when I appealed my vehicular manslaughter charges to be renamed vehicular woman–slaughter. And I’m an inspiration to the community– I was recently invited to speak to local youth at the high school’s drunk driving assembly.
If I had any advice to give to all the girls out there, it would be to never stoop so low as to let a man walk all over you. You don’t need a man to explain things like the stock market, sports, or the terms of your parole. The world wants you to be you.