DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a real interview. Santa Ono REFUSED to sit down and have an interview with us! So instead, using sophisticated, highly developed satirical software, we have determined with 99% confidence that these are the answers he would indeed give. Again, for legal purposes, Santa Ono DID NOT say this, but for satirical purposes, he definitely did.
Every Three Weekly: When it comes to this interview, were you silent, or were you silenced?
Santa Ono: I was silenced by the [Board of] Regents, who famously don’t have a humorous bone in their brittle old bodies. I love the Every Three Weekly so much, and am currently doing my best to make UAC give you more money.
E3W: How does it feel being sworn in as the 15th president of the University of Michigan?
SO: Fifteen is my favorite number, so I am over the moon.
E3W: Lots of students have commented on your use of Instagram in connecting with the community. What drove you to use this platform to connect with students?
SO: A brand deal with SquareSpace. SquareSpace is a website that lets you create and customize your own website…
E3W: Throughout your times at other educational institutions, you placed an enormous emphasis on athletics, what will you do to ensure the Michigan football program never loses another game again?
SO: I am prepared to give Jim Harbaugh any sum of money he desires. Jim is a tough bargainer. He tried to renegotiate for eight million dollars a year. We kept it at seven, but I told him if he beats Ohio State next year he gets to be president for a day and sit in the big chair.
E3W: What steps are you taking to address issues important to students such as wait times at the State Street Chipotle?
SO: We’re already tackling this problem by also opening the State Street Sweetgreen. Now students can enjoy the same long wait times and the same lack of ingredients, but with twice the options for various bowls!
E3W: When you die, which building on campus would you prefer be named after you in your honor?
SO: Definitely the School of Kinesiology Building. I love bones!
E3W: What is your response to students who feel it appropriate to wear toe shoes in recreational centers across campus such as the Intramural Sports Building?
SO: This is a problem that has plagued our community for quite some time. All I can say at this time is that my team and I are aware of it, and we are working on investigating it further.
E3W: UofM is notorious for having some of the most notorious serial killers as alumni. What is your plan to ensure that murderers continue to get their education at Michigan?
SO: This pipeline is still alive and well— just look at the Aerospace Engineering feeder companies!
E3W: Multiple HGTV crews have been seen entering and exiting the Presidents’ House on South University Avenue. This has led many to believe that you plan on remodeling the building. Is this true?
SO: The Property Brothers are just good friends of mine. Our wives get along great. There is nothing more to it than that.
E3W: We have a Spanish midterm in three days that we have not started studying for. What are the university’s plans to help us with that?
SO: No puedo.
E3W: The inauguration of a university president is often a very long, arduous process. Tell us, can you spell inauguration?
SO: I believe that is our time.