Well, fuck. Now what are you going to do?
I mean, yeah, sure, you can pick up the big pieces, but how are you going to get the smaller pieces out of all the little crevices on there? Look at the Touch Bar. Remember how that thing used to be so sleek and futuristic? Look what you’ve done. Now it looks like a tubby toddler’s Cocomelon machine with all the grease and crumbs on it. Ew!
And those speakers. Once full of 4K audio sound, now muffled and marred by the ghost of Sour Cream & Onion past. You used to be able to play such beautiful music. Now, every time the pitch of Lana Del Rey’s crooning pipes seems slightly off, you’ll only have yourself and your gluttonous desire for Pringles to blame.
Ew, look. All the crumbs are getting into the keys. And as you try to pick them up, they’re only getting smaller. Avoiding your greasy little grasp. Oops! A few just slipped under your “M” key. Good luck ever typing a word with the letter M again. Now your keyboard might not even register the M. If it does, you’ll have to press extra hard, and the keypress won’t even be satisfying.
What are your options now? Take your laptop to the Geek Squad? Imagine them, taking your laptop into the back room of their Best Buy office and laughing at you. Now you’re getting laughed at by geeks. The lowest of the low.
God, I hope a Pringle crumb didn’t get into the inner workings of your computer. A little bit of the chip is probably sitting on a computer chip right now, just waiting for you to do a large computation so it can set on fire and explode your laptop while you carry it in your backpack.
You might as well quit your job, because you won’t be able to use your laptop for work ever again. Anyway, good luck. I’ll see you in the Luddite hut you inevitably build for yourself after having so thoroughly embarrassed yourself in the technological realm.