Grandma Knows Someone Who Died Doing Exactly What You’re Doing Right Now

Urgent news: your grandma knows someone who died doing whatever you’re doing right now! She’s been around long enough to see people go out any way possible. Driving in a car? Basically a death sentence. Sitting in a chair? She’s had friends just die then and there. Standing in a hallway? You don’t even want to know…

But don’t worry, your grandma also has every piece of advice you need not to die. Start by going to the doctor three times a day the second you hit forty. Like your grandma, you probably have twenty close friends who are licensed doctors ,so this should be easy. Next, adopt some sort of weird diet that doesn’t make sense, like only eating mayo based salads and drinking a lot of diet pop. No smoking, except for once in the morning and at night. Aesthetics don’t matter when she knows she was skinnier than you are your age. 

The key to a happy life is love; if your grandma got married at nineteen you should too! She wants you to find a partner naturally while also conveniently near a synagogue. Once a spinster reaches the ripe age of thirty, they disintegrate and are used as fertilizer so they’ll have at least some contribution to the world.

Live life to the fullest, but by your Grandma’s standards. Go back and get married to your ex partner. Don’t sleep in the same room as your phone to avoid radiation. And never try to argue that modern inventions are safer.

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