This week, CNN anchors were infuriated that former President Donald J. Trump was not tarred, feathered, and paraded through the streets of New York City after his arraignment.
“I am confused,” said Jake Tapper. “I’m no expert on the legal system, but I thought that this would be a bombshell. A big thing. A massive event where we’d see this man brought to justice. At least that’s what I was led to believe from watching CNN.”
“At the very least, I thought he’d be in the village stocks and we could all point and laugh at him,” commented Wolf Blitzer. “Not really sure what we can expect at this point.”
CNN contributor Rick Santorum offered a rebuttal, claiming that “tarring and feathering the President of
the United States would be an unprecedented punishment not seen since the colonial period.” Santorum added “the Founding Fathers only wanted us to punish people that deserved it… like Barack Obama for wearing that tan suit.”
Standing at the “magic wall,” veteran analyst John King spent an hour of air time drawing possible routes through Manhattan, showing viewers where Trump’s parade might take him.
Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson spent the majority of his show last night talking about how the “woke mob” had made the Pillsbury Doughboy gender neutral and “way less fuckable.”