Local Coffee Shop Mugged

The Ann Arbor community is also in shambles after multiple citizens were jumped outside of a trampoline park.

Ann Arbor cafe M-36 was the victim of a $1,000 mug heist on Saturday.

The theft, which sources are calling the “biggest beverage-related mugging since the Boston Tea Party,” has been linked to a string of crimes by infamous criminal mastermind, The Decaf Degenerate. The Decaf Degenerate came into the shop while employees were closing and yelled “give me all of your mugs” and threatened “decaf-itation.”

Employees reported that The Decaf Degenerate “guzzled whipped cream” and stole all but one mug. With the remaining mug, The Degenerate “made beautiful swan latte art,” his signature, and then fled the scene.

While motives remain unclear, manager Xander Graham “needs to espresso that this wasn’t random.” M-36 was about to release the “Caramel Candy Chilled Carefree Coffee Craze,” which was supposed to “put the Starbucks Frappuccino out of business.”

M-36’s sustainability platform has further complicated the situation. Part-time barista Cleo Mills commented that “Xander absolutely refuses to use anything besides mugs so we’ve just been pouring hot coffee into cupped hands.” This service decision has “led to a latte of second degree burns”

M-36 has offered a $15 gift card as a reward for anyone who has insights on the Decaf Degenerate’s whereabouts, enough to buy “one or maybe two drinks.”

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