Witnesses reported “shrieks of agony drowning the quiet streets of Ann Arbor” after newly graduated senior Doug Brock sustained a papercut so severe he sliced off all of his “worthless fingers,” taking the item which he described as “more vital than my beating heart” with them.
For the past four years, Brock reports that he sustained himself solely on 7/11 groceries and stolen Block M cookies all in an effort to save up for the Herff Jones Men’s Collegiate Ring of his dreams. After draining his bank account, Brock now palms his bling between two bloody nubs in the waiting room of the Michigan Medicine Emergency Department following the tragic amputation of all 10 fingers while opening his diploma.
“The diploma may have severed my fingers, but the only papercut I feel is the one that slashed my heart,” said Brock, now unable to wear his prized ring.
Paramedics arrived at the scene last Friday evening after downstairs neighbor Britaineigh Waldron complained of a “small”, hot-tub-sized splotch of blood growing on her ceiling. In her statement, Waldron confessed, “Now that I think about it, there HAS been persistent wailing for several hours. I thought it was a fire alarm so I tuned it out and now my ceiling looks like a miscarriage.”
Upon entering the scene, paramedics discovered Brock pathetically grasping the slippery silver piece with his useless fleshy mitten. Lead first responder Red Albright noted, “Further inspection revealed the source of the injury: a virgin white diploma menacingly lying with edges so crisp, looking at them too long resulted in instant blindness.”
At press time, Brock was looking into getting the ring fitted for his big toe.
