According to a press release posted to the University of Michigan Facilities’ website Tuesday morning, U-M is slated to rename its “gender-inclusive” bathrooms to the less political alternative, “shittin’ rooms,” beginning next week.
The change comes after a series of complaints from both sides of the aisle, with critics on the right calling the single-user restrooms “woke garbage” and critics on the left calling the bathrooms “tokenizing” and “alienating.”
The Michigan Review said that the existence of “gender-inclusive” bathrooms encourages students to undergo “chemical castration” and “self-mutilating surgeries” in order to be able to use the highly coveted, clean, private, and spacious restrooms. The YDSA issued a statement saying that the restrooms put non-binary and gender non-conforming students in danger by “outing” them “every time they wanna take a queer piss.”
In response, the university has settled on what they believe to be a neutral moniker for the lavatories.
U-M Facilities spokesperson Dana Cardley said “Look, we all know the real purpose of those restrooms. Sure, they help queer students feel more comfortable by creating a non-gendered space to relieve themselves. Mostly, though, they’re a sacred space for people of all genders to exercise their human right to take a shit in public, but in private.”
In honor of their reputation as a “dumping ground,” U-M facilities settled on “shittin’ rooms” as a new, apolitical name. “It’s quick, to the point, and honest about the reason why anyone really goes in there,” said Cardley. “It’s to do the poo. To go number two. To take a dump. And, most importantly, to shit.”
At press time, U-M Facilities was allegedly considering installing HEPA- grade air filtration systems in all of the gender-neutral bathrooms.