Area loser Thad Flatley is reportedly set to graduate with the rest of the Class of 2023, despite never having gotten mono.
“To make it through high school without getting mono is somewhat acceptable,” reported Shanelle Emard, an immunologist in the School of Medicine. “Not everyone can be a total stud, slobbering on chicks every weekend. It’s once a person graduates college that their lack of the Epstein-Barr virus becomes noticeable.”
Witnesses spotted Flatley defending himself to anyone who would listen. “I’ve kissed people! Maybe even slightly over the statistical average of people!”
“One kiss even gave me a pretty nasty cough that still turned out not to be mono, but that should still count for something,” said Flatley, before qualifying that the person he kissed was someone “probably none of [his friends] knew.”
Flatley’s academic advisors noted in his graduation audit that “though [Flatley] excelled at achieving each LSA distribution requirement, there seemed to be something missing to truly round out his college experience.”
At press time, Flatley was spotted bringing a vape to a graduation party as a last-ditch effort of exposing himself to as many strangers’ saliva as possible.
