Area frat star Nico Mueller was recently overheard emphatically telling his brothers about his mission to avoid seed oils, despite buying a bag of cocaine every weekend
“They’re just, really, really bad for you, you know?” explained Mueller, fidgeting with a pen while simultaneously carrying on another conversation about his strict diet of chicken and white rice. “It’s like, human bodies weren’t meant to digest corn and soybean oil and all that garbage.”
“Listen, I get that seed oils are bad,” reported an exhausted fraternity brother of Mueller’s. “He stood in my doorway until 6AM last night yelling at me about it.”
On Saturday morning, Mueller reported “feeling depressed, lethargic, and absolutely terrible,” attributing these symptoms to the fact that he hadn’t hit the gym yet that day.
At press time, Mueller was spotted weighing out the exact amount of chicken he was consuming, while not bothering to measure the amount of cocaine being snorted up his nostrils.