Seemingly Distinguished Gentleman In Vintage Sepia Photograph Was Foolish Little Coward In His Day

A diary from the 1890s has been found calling Ellison a “flapdoodle.”

Sources confirm that the subject of a refined vintage portrait hanging on the wall appearing to depict an honorable gentleman was “actually a real weasel” when the photo was taken in 1899.


The portrait shows Mr. Robert Henry Ellison wearing a top hat, fancy suit, and mysterious, prideful look on his face as he stares honorably off into the distance, and is currently posted in the hallway of a small historical museum. “This guy totally looks like he knows what he’s doing,” remarked museumgoer Joey Williams. “If I were a betting man, I’d say he was a real stand-up guy. You can tell that from, you know, the way this photo is, like, old and stuff. It’s like all brown and vintage, and he’s sitting up really straight. How could he not be important?”


In actuality, museum records show that Mr. Ellison was widely regarded as a “skeevy little slimeball” in his town around the time the photo was taken. One relic postcard includes a woman warning her friends to “just never walk in the general vicinity of Sir Creepy,” describing Mr. Ellison.


Another antique is a letter left under Ellison’s front door that simply reads, “you owe me money, you foolish little coward.” The photographer’s note on the back of the formal portrait indicates that even taking his photograph was difficult, because “this man is truly one of the most bumbling, incompetent, sorry excuses for a human I’ve ever encountered.”


“We get this kind of confusion all the time,” commented museum curator Sarah Hanks. “People today just assume people in old photographs were as classy and formal as they look. But the reality is that people have always been just as bizarre as they are now, really. They used to just be way better at hiding that in portraits.”

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