Following an investigation into the pungent ammonia stench terrorizing the fifth floor of South Quad, it was discovered that Ross student and Manhattan native Tony Angelino evidently urinated into his humidifier in order to create an aroma...

Recents reports have shown that freshman Stan Montagne’s youthful exuberance is no match for the task of standing on the Blue Bus. “I came to this school with such high aspirations and wonderful dreams,” commented Montagne. “All it took was...

The Spectrum Center announced on Monday that the UMMA Cafe, the small coffee bar housed inside the Michigan Museum of Art, has been designated an LGBT historical landmark by the Michigan Historical Society, saying it “equals or exceeds the...

Sources are reporting that junior Aaron Bennett recently discovered that there is apparently no such thing as “girl money.” “He just came out and asked me one day, ‘Can I see some of your girl money?’” recalled Hannah Burns, a...

A new U-M student engagement study has reported that approximately zero percent of University students “have any idea why that car is on the Diag.” “It’s just wrong. This is a place for walking! Why would someone need a car here? What could...

LSA junior James Jones Jr. was reportedly unsure if his best friend and graduating LSA Senior Richard Young was being seriously sentimental in his last month on campus, or just plain annoying. “At first I thought the random bouts of nostalgia were...

In a shocking turn of events, it was uncovered that, despite being able to get into the University of Michigan, many students are unable to “get their own piss into the toilet.” “It’s genuinely quite alarming,” said Francis Arthur,...