Reports confirm the football team’s Big Ten Championship victory over Iowa this weekend prompted the entire student body to pretend that Harbaugh “didn’t just get lucky” and that “ knew he had something good up his sleeve the whole...

Employees at the Chipotle location on State Street are currently reporting that they’ve just now heard about Neil Armstrong’s 1969 landing on the moon. “We were just getting around to some orders that were placed in 1969, and all of the...

Ross junior Matt Morne confirmed this past Sunday that he would be “totally willing” to look over his friend John’s resume if he wanted, “just because of offer and everything.” Morne, who received an entry level analyst position...

Area student John Gaston was taken aback Wednesday afternoon while waiting at a crosswalk when a man he referred to as “some jerk” blew by him and crossed the street at a green light. “I couldn’t believe it,” stated Gaston, looking...

Students using university bathroom toilets with the “Water Saving Handle” have reported that the toilet’s instructions are going to extreme lengths to avoid using the words “pee” and “poop.” “UP for #1 (liquid waste),” read...

Last Saturday night, two drunk guys were reported to have claimed that they were “definitely going to write a screenplay together.” Xavier Smith and Jordan Dunforth, both English majors, were seen drinking Oberons off to the side of a...

Last week, LSA junior Micah Thompson, looking for a late-night bite to eat, stumbled across a series of DoorDash venues, all which were merely fronts for Pizza House. Reports claim that Thompson was hoping to find a pickup option...