University President Mark Schlissel is reportedly unsure what he wants to do after he resigns in 2023, but is thinking about going to grad school. Stepping down a year earlier than planned, Schlissel is still coming to terms with what he wants to do...

Sources confirm that each and every student in an 80-person Philosophy 282 lecture this past Tuesday was “absolutely itching, just uncontrollably eager” for classmate Kenny Marks to raise his hand for the sixth time that session. Marks, whose...

Avid readers of The Michigan Daily have recently been noticing that the Opinion section seems to just be an amalgamation of writers’ “most basic thoughts and coldest takes.” One recent addition to the student newspaper’s op-ed commented on...

This week, students in an EECS 280 lecture reported seeing fellow classmate Jason Davis in the front row of the lecture hall playing chess on his laptop, “as if he hadn’t just failed the midterm last week.”  Davis’ lab partner,...

Ahead of the upcoming Thanksgiving break, University President Mark Schlissel has issued his annual pardon of a South Quad dining hall turkey burger.  “It’s all in good fun,” said Schlissel. “I like to bring the presidential tradition...

In the days preceding Thanksgiving break, students seeking respite over the holiday have once again started experiencing looming pressure to run a 5K. “Every year, I get excited about going home to relax and spend time with my family,” said...

Friends of the residents of 552 Packard St, Apt 4D have begun to note that the formerly-adorable bar cart in the living room has become “a source of concern, to say the least.” “At the start of the semester, we were all so jealous of it,”...