So… Is There A Mrs. Worldwide?
By
A Desperate Woman At A Costume Party

Heyyyy. I absolutely love your Pitbull costume. No, for real, it’s so funny. He’s, like, bald and stuff. And wears sunglasses. You totally look like him in that bald cap and those sunglasses you got from 7/11 or something. Honestly, how did you...

Well, Michigan Was Really My Last Choice
By
A Guy Who Got Waitlisted From Harvard Nine Months Ago

Hi, I’m Jake, I sit by you in Calc? Nice to meet you! Haha, class was crazy today right? Gotta love derivatives. So, what are you majoring in? English? Oh, that’s so different! Yeah, I’m a STEM major myself. You know, Michigan wasn’t really...

Have You Asked Your Therapist About That?
By
Your Most Beleaguered Friend

Huh. You’re asking me if your tendency to black out every time you drink is indicative of a deeper emotional issue? You know what? I think that sounds like a really good question for your therapist. Her name is Cynthia, right? Yeah, I think you...

Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?
By
A Celebrity Under Arrest

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you think you’re doing? Do you have any idea who I am? Look at my face. Do you have any idea what you’re doing? Guys, keep recording this. Someone hold my Roly. You’re making a big mistake here, buddy. All these...

So, It Was The 90s…
By
A Guy About To Describe Some Fucked Up Shit

Hey guys, you just made me remember the best story I have. So it was winter of ‘96, and my friend John and I were on a plane heading over to France on vacation, when this guy who was smoking… No, no, no. Wait, hear me out. You have to...

As A Leftist, I Think We Should All Be Ethically Nonmonogamous
By
A Straight Man Who Just Wants To Cheat

Listen, I get it. Hey, I’m the first one to admit I speak from a place of privilege as a heterosexual, cisgender, Caucasian male. But, trust me, I’m one of the good guys. That’s right. Now, just hear me out. Ethical nonmonogamy has gotten a...

My Most Prized Possession Is My Plasma Screen TV
By
A Character In A Movie From 2004

Okay, so check this out. I was in Best Buy last week, and there was this 50” Plasma screen. I got so frickin excited. Like, how lucky is that? Did nobody else see it there? Anyway, check it out, 50 inches of beautiful plasma perfection. This is...