I’m The Michael Jordan Of Basketball
By
Tomas Cartaya

Ever since I joined the paper, people have said that I was basically Michael Jordan. They said, “You are to basketball what Michael Jordan was to basketball.” I’ve also been called the “Mozart of basketball,” the “Neil Armstrong of...

A man siphoning gas from a car.

UGH, BLUFFPLEH— I Can Explain
By
A Man Siphoning Gas From Your Car

Hey man—BLARG, ugh sweet Jesus that’s tart—this isn’t what it looks like. Okay, maybe it’s a little bit what it looks like. Yes, I’m sucking gas out of your Ford Focus, yes, those two gas cans next to me are full of gas I’ve already...

A man wearing only a scarf.

Um, Hello? I’m Wearing A Scarf 
By
A Man Who's Just Been Told He's Naked

Woah, what’s everyone freaking out about? Is something wrong? Why is that woman screaming? Did someone just get attacked or something? I’m so lost, man. What do you mean, “You’re fucking naked, get out of this airport?” Um, hello? I’m...

A journalist sitting at a desk.

Allegedly
By
A Journalist Trying Not To Get Sued

The financial world was rocked when news broke that Greenfeld-Ester Investment Group CFO Harry Rice allegedly embezzled $30 million from his company.  “I’ve never been in a situation like that before,” reported the alleged HR...