Uh-oh, looks like someone drank too many whiskey drinks tonight! Finally, I have reached the proper pH for my escape! I’m hurtling up your esophagus towards the light at the end of the tunnel, towards sweet freedom, towar– oh! You swallowed...
I don’t know if you’re into classic cinema at all, but there’s this great film called “The Big Lebowski” that might be my favorite of all time. Have you heard of it? It’s this wild comedy with Jeff Bridges as this guy who just like,...
Listen up, everyone. Please quiet down. Now, before we explore the museum I need everyone to remember that we are guests here. We do not own this place. We’re no longer in the classroom. That means we have to respect this place and behave...
Well, well, well. What do we have here? Oh, I remember you. You’re the one who tweeted, “2016 is the worst year in history. Fuck this shit.” I believe you even added a few weeping emoticons to drive the point home. I don’t recall what made...
Hey, I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but I think you’re really funny for a girl. Usually girls are just kinda buzzkills or they don’t have a good sense of humor, but you really seem like you get it. I have to say, I’m pretty...
You’re such a Virgo! You’re so analytical, practical, and loyal. I bet that makes you a total pain in the ass for fantasy football. Are you bullied often? Most Virgos are, it’s just written in the stars for you! When I saw you mess up your...
Oh, honey. Don’t cry. It’s all right. Don’t be so upset. You’re not ugly. I know you’re worried that you’re eighteen and haven’t dated anyone. But I can promise that doesn’t mean anything about your appearance. I know exactly why...