This is the story of how I found love in the Big Apple. I’m just a hometown worm from the middle of butt-fuck nowhere Kentucky. I moved to a big apple after getting a promotion at work. I had my dream job and my dream life. But not my dream...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Do you little pieces of &^%$ know what fucking time it is? We’ve only got 2 minutes, biotches, so can everyone get it together and look like you’re having fun? Capeesh? BeReal WOULD go off right now....
Ever since I joined the paper, people have said that I was basically Michael Jordan. They said, “You are to basketball what Michael Jordan was to basketball.” I’ve also been called the “Mozart of basketball,” the “Neil Armstrong of...
I served as a writer for The Every Three Weekly for (almost) all four years of my time here at Michigan, and I can finally say with total honesty that without another “Brendan” around to challenge my ability or authority, there was never really...
Hey kid, I know you’re new here, but since you’re chill, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know the HR Department on the 3rd floor? I hate to break this to you—but it doesn’t exist. That’s right, when we say, “We’ll run it by...
Yeah, it’s true. I didn’t get this job because I’m the funniest person on the paper. Or the smartest. Or even the most devastatingly beautiful. Shocking, I know. I am all those things, but that’s not why they made me Editor-In-Chief. They...
Hey man—BLARG, ugh sweet Jesus that’s tart—this isn’t what it looks like. Okay, maybe it’s a little bit what it looks like. Yes, I’m sucking gas out of your Ford Focus, yes, those two gas cans next to me are full of gas I’ve already...