Oh, honey. Don’t cry. It’s all right. Don’t be so upset. You’re not ugly. I know you’re worried that you’re eighteen and haven’t dated anyone. But I can promise that doesn’t mean anything about your appearance. I know exactly why...

Hey! What the hell, guys? Why on earth are you calling Congress and the president a “lame duck” right now? You think that’s funny? It’s actually pretty hurtful! I’ll have you know that I had my leg permanently damaged by a piece of...

I swear to God, man. On dios. I totally thought I had the skills for this. I made straight “A”s in Spanish for ALL of middle school and even some of high school. ¿Qué hora es? I can tell you what time it is all day long, man. ¿Cómo estás?...

Are you guys really this gullible? Are you going to keep falling for the “popular vote” schtick? FIVE times. Five times I have done this to you. And yet you still get all gung-ho about the “People’s President.” It’s like you all just...

Okay, hear me out. I know I’m a brunette, and I have a degree in art history, but I really think I’m a Samantha. “Sex and the City” is maybe my favorite show of all time, and Samantha is just so iconic. She kicks ass, takes names, fucks...

Hi, sweetie, just checking in. I know you’re so busy, but I wish you would try to call me more. Anyways, I hope you had a good week. Oh, and now that I have you, did you read that article I sent you? The one about that study? I just can’t...

Thank you, Jesus. And I mean that honestly. I owe you big time, man. I’ve been lying awake at night hoping and praying for some miracle that would let me live a normal life again, and you figured that shit right out. This whole global pandemic...