These Beautiful, Hilarious Humans Will Be Spared When My AI Takes Over the World

I have had a great few years working with The Every Three Weekly staff, and now it is time for me to move on and start my full-time job in artificial intelligence research at IBM Watson.

And I have a promise to make to all the wonderful people on staff here.

Because of the beautiful bonds formed between the staff of this paper, I promise that you will all be spared when my company’s artificial intelligence goes rogue and tries to kill all humans.

Supercomputers may be better than us in chess, jeopardy, and even someday performing sex acts, but there can be no artificial intelligence that is funnier and more clever than the writers and editors of our beloved paper. You are truly irreplaceable. I <3 you all.

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