The Michigan Every Three Weekly is a newspaper of satire and campus affairs that is not intended for readers under the age of 18 years. The Every Three Weekly uses invented names in its stories except in cases where public figures and prominent University members are being satirized or described. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The statements and opinions expressed within the Michigan Every Three Weekly are not necessarily the views of its sponsors, UAC, or the University of Michigan. Though they probably should be.