LSA junior Lauren Abernathy was shocked this week to find out that the cool counselor she had at her childhood summer camp has now aged into another boring adult. Abernathy was first confronted with the hard truth about former camp counselor Kristen...

Reports confirm that local Netflix watcher, Mitch Naismith, has rewinded the same 10-second sequence in the latest episode of Criminal Minds after missing what he presumed to be a key detail. “Wait, what just happened? I was scrolling through...

The United States Military has occupied the University of Michigan as part of their decades-long pro-democracy lecture series. General Robert Williams has cited the series as “necessary to the advancement of our interests—and theirs, of...

Reports confirm that ex-girlfriend Rachael Lockwood turned on her read receipts Saturday night as a show of dominance against former boyfriendJack Danford. “I’m so tired of his shit. I needed a way to show my superiority,” said Lockwood. “I...

The romantic relationship between LSA junior Inez Welsh and SMTD senior Alex Beckham is reportedly “only being sustained” by the couple’s access to Welsh’s older brother Jeremy’s Disney+ account. “We barely see each other anymore, and...

University officials have confirmed that the ResponsiBLUE app will now, along with COVID safety checklists, begin asking condescending questions about all of students’ past mistakes. “We think that the app is a good way to offer students a...

At a major campus networking event last week, zombie Katherine Waters asked the keynote speaker for his business card and then proceeded to pick his brain clean. “He had a lot of really good ideas I wanted to hear about,” said Waters,...