Following a semester of persistent daydreams about their English 325 instructor, students in Ed Chime’s essay-writing seminar have reported that they have finally made it into their professor’s living room due to the recent coronavirus-related...
Sources have confirmed that the empty Michigan Union is deeply regretting its decision to open itself up to people. “CAPS keeps telling me that I need to let down my walls and be vulnerable to letting people in,” reported the Union....
Sources confirm that lifelong introvert Jerome Findley has chosen an inopportune time to make tremendous strides towards a burgeoning, robust social life. “2020 is gonna be my year, the best year of my life,” proclaimed the aspiring party-animal...
Sources have confirmed that student Haley Collins, with an adorable mouse-like sneeze, has infected ten surrounding classmates in her Econ 101 class as if she were a rat spreading the Black Death. “Her sneeze was so cute. It was like a little...
As Girl Scout cookie season draws to a close, local troops are appearing to grow desperate to meet quotas as their attitudes grow to resemble those of coked-out Wall Street stock traders. “I was just walking to class when all of a sudden I was...