During a presentation on acclimating to their new environment, student leaders of this summer’s Parent and Family Orientation reminded parents that it is perfectly normal to feel like they are not making friends right off the bat. “It’s always...

A recent study has revealed that, despite commonly held beliefs, most university level biology classes are mostly just about really wild animal sex. “A common misconception about upper-level life science courses is that they teach students about...

Remarking that all the bad press regarding Facebook pushed him to take a long-awaited break from his social media, area man Sam Mackus admitted that he does miss being in the loop for parties and the latest in internet meme culture. “It’s been...

Sources report that the spider descending from the ceiling in freshman Kelly Peterson’s room, in a manner similar to that of Tom Cruise in the first “Mission Impossible” movie, was equally as unwelcome in the apartment as the latter...

Sources report that junior Alex Duchovnys has had his phone set to vibrate “way too hard,” and that it “fucks up everybody in the room every time it goes off.” “We were just sitting in lecture and suddenly I heard what sounded like a...

Reports emerged late last week that a sad guy was pushing the Cube. Sources reported seeing LSA senior Jacob Strombley last Thursday at 8:57p.m. pushing the large art installation designed by Tony Rosenthal in 1968 into motion. Strombley caused the...

According to residents of 423 South Fourth Ave, area roommate Max Sanford was seen using chopsticks to eat his Chinese takeout even though he was not in public and no one even cared. “I really prefer the feel of eating lo mein off of a nice bamboo...