This week, students in an EECS 280 lecture reported seeing fellow classmate Jason Davis in the front row of the lecture hall playing chess on his laptop, “as if he hadn’t just failed the midterm last week.”  Davis’ lab partner,...

Ahead of the upcoming Thanksgiving break, University President Mark Schlissel has issued his annual pardon of a South Quad dining hall turkey burger.  “It’s all in good fun,” said Schlissel. “I like to bring the presidential tradition...

In the days preceding Thanksgiving break, students seeking respite over the holiday have once again started experiencing looming pressure to run a 5K. “Every year, I get excited about going home to relax and spend time with my family,” said...

Friends of the residents of 552 Packard St, Apt 4D have begun to note that the formerly-adorable bar cart in the living room has become “a source of concern, to say the least.” “At the start of the semester, we were all so jealous of it,”...

Sophomore Ellie O’Keefe recently made the declaration that her thrifted Central Michigan University sweatshirt and Lululemon biker shorts were “giving Princess Diana.” “I saw this photo on Twitter a couple weeks ago of Princess Diana...

Sophomore Chase Solaris recently submitted a Microsoft Word Document consisting of just two pictures as the final draft of his two-thousand word essay on Tom Sawyer. Solaris justified his submission, saying, “It was around one hour to the deadline...

Eyewitnesses have reported that Kacie Hartmann, 18, has hit the number 262144 on the game 2048. “I had a six-page history paper to write, but honestly, I think this is a more exciting use of my time,” reported Hartmann. “The number of people...