SeaWorld has announced that they are opening a brand new attraction that allows visitors to neglect the animals themselves. “We feel that neglecting the animals is a key part of what we do here at SeaWorld, and we want to give this experience to...

Dismayed after failing in the Electoral College, Trump has petitioned to change the electoral vote tally to “No Record COVID.” “This semester has been totally unfair,” said President Trump, who is currently on pace to only win a failing 43...

Local student Randy Novak reportedly bartered his roommate, Jack, for a Playstation5, and subsequently found himself without anybody to play with. The gaming console has been notoriously hard to find during the holiday season, and Novak was said to...

Recent data confirms that, contrary to the popular proverb, a watched pot at the residence of Clara Bellingham has in fact boiled. “I was gearing up to cook some mac and cheese and was keeping an eye on the water to know when I could put my...

University of Michigan junior Joseph Hughes was dismayed this week to find that he and the demon under the bed in his new apartment seem to be highly incompatible roommates. “I think part of the issue is that we didn’t really go over the basic...

A recent study from the University’s Department of Architecture has confirmed that Michigan Stadium is the largest stadium standing on East Stadium Boulevard in Ann Arbor. The research team allegedly recorded the dimensions of every structure...

Reports are confirming that a festive tin of flavored popcorn is quickly being consumed by underfed, stoner college student Wesley Andrews. “My Aunt Vicky sends one of these over every year, and boy am I happy to have it. I haven’t had a real...