Guest Room Blanket Too Short

This weekend, University of Michigan undergrad Philip Britley spent quality time with hometown friend Charlie Ridwood in Bloomington, Indiana.  The Wolverine sophomore’s otherwise pleasant trip was only dampened by the blanket Ridwood lent...

Girl With Perfect Handwriting Still Dumb

Sources confirm that despite her stunning penmanship, sophomore English major Stacy Phillips is still dumb. According to English 298 Professor David Getterson, while Phillips’ handwriting is “nearing perfection,” the thoughts that her flawless...

University Pledges To Go Carbon Neutral By 2130

In a press conference last Monday, President Mark Schlissel announced a university-wide pledge to reduce all carbon emissions to neutral levels by the year 2130. Schlissel stated that the proposed measures to cultivate a carbon-neutral University of...