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The University of Michigan commencement ceremony.

Class Of 2022 Still Unsure If Commencement Some Kind Of Trap 

University of Michigan seniors in the Class of 2022 have reported hesitancy about the upcoming in-person commencement ceremony, claiming that it could be “some kind of trap.”  Following the social distancing guidelines enacted during the...

  • Apr 12, 2022
A man wearing a graduation cap.

“I Can’t Wait To Graduate,” Says Senior About To Pursue Masters And PhD For Next Ten Years 

During his weekly Facetime call with his mom this Tuesday, Engineering senior Philip Trainor emphatically claimed that he “can’t wait to graduate” at the end of this semester, despite the fact he will spend the next ten years of his life in...

  • Apr 12, 2022
Men playing basketball in a park.

Area Man Hoping Single Pickup Basketball Game Will Cancel Out Last Night’s Eighteen Beers

  • Apr 12, 2022
A nose with a septum piercing.

 Granddaughter Graduating With Honors Despite Nose Piercing

 Area man Horace Upson’s granddaughter Cameron Feelborn is reportedly on track to receive her degree in Electrical Engineering with honors, despite the nose ring she “stupidly” elected to get her freshman year. “I have to say, I’m...

  • Apr 12, 2022
Cup, vape, prescription bottle, and empty food container with fork on table

Area Woman Super Cranky Before Morning Cocktail Of Stimulants

Senior Isabella Sanford recently remarked to friends that she’s “soooo cranky before morning coffee, 50mg Adderall, and eight nicotine hits.” “Ugh, literally don’t even talk to me before I’ve had my morning pick-me-up,” Sanford...

  • Apr 11, 2022
Exterior image of Trader Joe's store

Report: Trader Joe’s Employee Secretly Hopes Customers Will Get Pancaked In The Parking Lot

Following an after-hours employee truth circle at Trader Joe’s in Ann Arbor, Gideon Wells admitted that he secretly detests every customer and only gets through the day by “envisioning them getting straight up pancaked by a truck in the parking...

  • Apr 11, 2022
Man standing at counter swiping card for patron

Rich Friend Takes Working Class Aesthetic Too Far By Getting Job

Local out-of-state student Brandon Olsavsky has reportedly taken his working-class aesthetic “too far” by getting an part-time job checking MCards at the CCRB. “You know, I kind of shrugged it off when Brandon started wearing Carhartt and...

  • Apr 11, 2022
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