According to reports, Apple engineers have recently developed and released a new “heinously large” phone made specifically for “strong, sturdy, and stocky guys.” The company has stated that the larger, more durable design allows its “big...

After a speech delivered by IngenSys CEO Alice Walters at Rackham Auditorium last Friday, it was reported that a number of attendees had interpreted Walters’ remarks as “empowering.” Walters, known for her ruthless business savvy and disregard...

After the Miller family switched its dog’s food from Pedigree to Iams, area mom Sally Miller announced over the phone last week that he “absolutely loves it.” Lucky, the golden retriever who has eaten the same dry food for almost ten years...

Sources confirm that the Delacey family’s Thanksgiving dinner was upgraded from a quaint get- together to an all-out rager when Aunt Lori unveiled her delectable, liquor-infused pecan pie. The evening started off tame and, according to some...

Offering an “antipasti” choice of either “crostini misti con ciottoli” or “bruschetta calda all’olio d’oliva e aglio,” it reportedly became clear that the menu at Grazie Ristorante Italiano just expects you to know Italian. “I’m...

In commemoration of many happy years on this earth and many more happy years to come, a red Solo cup is set to celebrate its 1,948,282,283th birthday in the nation’s largest landfill, sources report. “My lab has been tracking the decomposition...

Reports emerged last Tuesday that Ross School of Business junior Mark Hodler’s internship interview with the DeRouter accounting firm was cut tragically short by the small and unimpressive circumference of his right forearm. Hodler’s weak,...