According to reports received Tuesday morning, friends, family, and coworkers alike collectively reached the conclusion that Amy Duncan’s new, fluorescent orange cast “just isn’t as badass” as it otherwise would be on a 10-year-old. Amy...
Local convicted felon Andy Payne has been arrested in Chelsea, in the sense of being in a temporary state of stupefaction or incredulity. Many of Payne’s assets have been seized, following his temporary state of shock, in order that he not lose...
After months of receiving customer complaints that the new 2023 Toyota Tacoma “smells like God has left this Earth,” Toyota conducted an investigation and found that the vehicles were accidentally constructed with gassy little elves...
Confused area man Alistair Samoa reportedly refused to wear a name tag as he cracked open a beer at his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting this past weekend. Bringing up concerns about “that so-called anonymity,” Samoa reportedly...
Danielle Stevens, known to many of her high school classmates as “that girl with the sketchy online boyfriend,” sent waves through the Mountain East High School alumni community when she seemingly indicated via social media that she was...
A survey conducted by Harvard sociology professors has revealed that “100% of the pairs of sisters surveyed noted having some sort of disturbed, savage game they played growing up.” The analysis revealed several testimonies by sisters...
University of Michigan senior Klara Kullen was seen on the Diag trying not to look awkward walking while the men’s glee club performed “Hotline Bling”. Kullen reports that her fear of awkwardness stemmed from being “unsure whether she should...