Teenager Hires Babysitter For Divorced Dad

Before attending a local house party this past Friday, 16-year-old Tim Harris ordered a babysitter for his 49-year-old father. “Preheat the oven at around eight because he usually likes to eat dinner a little later on Friday nights,” Tim said to...

Change Jar Almost Fucking Full, Baby

Citing that the day he had been waiting for was almost upon him, sources reported on Tuesday that with the addition of 57 cents, James Beck’s change jar was almost filled to the fucking top, baby. “I’m ecstatic,” Beck told reporters of the...

Five-Second Rule Amended For Special Circumstance

Claiming that there comes a time for all legislation to be revised, area man Paul Dimakis has resolved to amend the five-second rule after dropping his last Little Bites brownie on his kitchen floor. “My predecessors devised the five-second rule...

Man Who Owns A Pug Claims Gay Marriage Unnatural

Despite owning a four-year-old pug, the product of centuries of selective breeding and human manipulation, 60-year-old John Dennison has been clear that he feels morally opposed to gay marriage on the grounds that it is “just plain unnatural.”...