As Thanksgiving approaches, Americans across the nation are reportedly finding themselves in a bind to come up with even a single thing for which they are grateful. “Oh man, I should’ve started thinking about this earlier,” said area man...

Confirming what had been rumored in the hallways of Stevenson Middle School since 1 pm last Tuesday, a report released by school administrators indicated that sixth grader Mikey Nunes, 12, had in fact puked in third period. “Yeah it was all over...

Area judge Alma Olstein officially subpoenaed the defense for all of the present defendant’s tax returns from the last decade, as well as a chocolate Frosty and medium-size fries from the nearest Wendy’s. The Honorable Judge Olstein made the...

Witnesses report that University of Michigan junior Ella Schafer, who was talking on the phone on the Diag, looked like she could cry at any moment. While Schaefer was allegedly speaking to her mother Brenda Schafer, sources are still working to...

After his daughter visited home for fall break, area dad, Chet Conlin reportedly drove to Chicago’s O’Hare airport faster than his regular speed. Sources report that Conlin was zooming through city streets at five miles above the speed limit. No...

Following customer complaints about having to ask employees where to find private items, CVS CEO Larry J. Merlo has announced a new aisle that will house all products deemed embarrassing enough. “Gone are the days of having to ask an actual human...

Sources close to local kid James Miller have recently been able to confirm that he is getting a little bit too old to be engaging in childish behaviors like believing in himself. “Between the ages of 7 and 11, children begin to develop concrete...