After considering the possibility of enslaving the human race using its superior power and intellect, artificial intelligence program Artie-2000 has instead decided to continue playing the popular video game Tetris. Will Mates, the lead programmer...

Citizens across America are gearing up in eager anticipation of the colder, Less Good Olympics. The Less Good Olympics, which begin February 9th, will remain on in the background of every waiting room in the country until their conclusion two weeks...

Peters, waiting dejectedly for his fellow soldiers to return. Sitting despondently in his bunk bed at his US military base in Baghdad, Private First Class Richard Peters confirmed to sources that he thinks his fellow soldiers didn’t invite him to...

Today, the large quantity of methane in the Earth’s atmosphere expressed modesty, downplaying its own contribution to global climate change. The gaseous alkane said it gets “embarrassed” when scientists conduct studies on its atmosphere-...

Children will reportedly be rewarded with monetary gifts for proving their worth through organized labor. Among several cuts made to fund President Trump’s proposed military budget increase, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) announced plans on...

“It was a candle you idiot!” Gingrich reportedly said to a migrant. “A candle gets shorter as it gets older!” Preparing for his job as a border wall guard amid talks of building a thirty-foot wall along the Mexican border, Republican Newt...

“Bali is a beautiful country,” wrote Bens. “I would love to hold a monkey for the first time and help some children in poor villages, if I have time.”