Researchers reviewing a study claiming the Big House as the “best place to be” have deemed the conclusion to be invalid on the grounds that no one surveyed had ever been shopping at a Nordstrom Rack. “We find this to be a glaring misstep,”...

On Sunday, the brotherhood of Beta Sigma Alpha was left stunned after a freshman was found locked in a cage in their backyard. “We’re just bewildered,” reported Pledge Master Jason (who requested that his last name be left out), “it must...

After 148 days of deadlock, Hollywood writers have returned to work, finally allowing Ross senior Tom Washer to text back sophomore Kat Mahoney. “Now that a deal has been finalized, I’d love to grab a coffee. Or maybe we just skip all the...

Last week, the event “Drink a 30-rack on your front lawn” appeared at the very top of the University’s Student Life “Things To Do” email. The Center for Campus Involvement (CCI) claims that this addition is the result of the...

Arcade gaming legend Pinball Pete went under the knife earlier this week, cutting the balls out of both his eponymous arcade’s name and his own scrotum. Pete’s fate was said to have been decided after he peed a circle around the air hockey...

During the first lecture of his History 243 class, Professor Craig Robertson promised that he would detect and fail any assignment that used ChatGPT, despite his own technological ineptitude. Robertson, who just last week requested a student...