University of Michigan seniors in the Class of 2022 have reported hesitancy about the upcoming in-person commencement ceremony, claiming that it could be “some kind of trap.” Following the social distancing guidelines enacted during the...
During his weekly Facetime call with his mom this Tuesday, Engineering senior Philip Trainor emphatically claimed that he “can’t wait to graduate” at the end of this semester, despite the fact he will spend the next ten years of his life in...
Area man Horace Upson’s granddaughter Cameron Feelborn is reportedly on track to receive her degree in Electrical Engineering with honors, despite the nose ring she “stupidly” elected to get her freshman year. “I have to say, I’m...
Senior Isabella Sanford recently remarked to friends that she’s “soooo cranky before morning coffee, 50mg Adderall, and eight nicotine hits.” “Ugh, literally don’t even talk to me before I’ve had my morning pick-me-up,” Sanford...
Following an after-hours employee truth circle at Trader Joe’s in Ann Arbor, Gideon Wells admitted that he secretly detests every customer and only gets through the day by “envisioning them getting straight up pancaked by a truck in the parking...
Local out-of-state student Brandon Olsavsky has reportedly taken his working-class aesthetic “too far” by getting an part-time job checking MCards at the CCRB. “You know, I kind of shrugged it off when Brandon started wearing Carhartt and...