In response to increased cases of COVID-19 across the United States, officials have determined that conditions are too unsafe to begin another year. Instead of turning to 2021 on January first, 2020 will continue for twelve more months. “It would...

Across the country, Spotify web player is once again reminding listeners of all demographics that they have “absolute shit taste in music,” resulting in the vast majority of American listeners resolving to start listening to new, better songs in...

Secretary Shirley Johnson was reportedly disappointed when the compliment she had received from her coworker Gary Winston Monday morning was made completely meaningless, after she saw Gary give a nearly identical bit of praise to Debra from HR that...

A local tadpole is the predicted winner of a rainwater runoff election in Georgia. The election was reportedly for the position of Attorney General of the rainwater runoff pond. Amphibian Aubrey Frost is the first tadpole elected to the office. She...

Last week, archaeologists in the United States began the long-anticipated archaeological investigation of local teacher Gina Snyder’s coat pocket. “When we finally got the OK to start digging, our team was thrilled, there’s so many ancient...

Local SoundCloud rapper DJ Smoke McBloke has reportedly signed a record-setting contract to work at the Ypsilanti Home Depot. “This is such a big move for my career,” said Smoke. “They say Kendrick Lamar got his start at Home Depot, so I’m...