Saying goodbye to great friends who do great work is tough fucking shit. But for one boastful, swaggering motherfucker, the task just got infinitesimally easier to pull the fuck off: When asked to write this worthless piece of shit, Seth Wolin, celebrated Co-Editor-in-Chief of the Every Three Weekly and self-appointed arbiter of all that is mirthful and jocular, decided to hide his deep vulnerability and sadness at leaving this paper behind a façade of wanton profanity and fuming invective!
That’s right. Though he knew he ought to mention his phenomenal fucking debt of gratitude to all the dynamic, dedicated and opinionated co-editors—Emily, Elizabeth, Andrew, Marie, Ethan and Sam—who kept his headstrong, vainglorious bullshit in check, this pitiful man refused to drop all that irony and pretension for a single fucking moment in order to just come out say how much he’s gained from their friendship, camaraderie and strictly professional sexual tension. Truly extraordinary!
Instead of expressing his wholehearted love for and devotion to every soul who’s given their valuable time, effort and love to this piss-stained, typo-ridden rag, this man decided he would stubbornly refuse to engage authentically with the tear-jerking nostalgia that inevitably oozes from these sorts of things in favor of something more caustic, sardonic and true-to-fucking form. Not a word about how the Every Three Weekly inculcated this lonely, pathetic shell of a man with the sense of purpose and belonging to wrench him back from the brink of a brief yet severe quarter-life crisis.
That’s not all. This man even felt the need to couch this whole fucking shitbag of a valediction in self-reference in order to further distantiate himself from the full force of his affection for (and pride in) the newest writers—each of whom and all of whom will carry this slapdash, shit-stained publication to higher heights of critical acclaim and even deeper depths of public revulsion. Unreal!
And if that wasn’t enough, he spent hundreds of words spewing all that hot air and didn’t even thank his dear mother, father, brother and sister, for whom his love is everlasting and completely devoid of irony.