Every Three Weekly

“It’s just not as cool asking Rhonda from HR to sign your cast,” reported Duncan.

Adult With Cast Not Quite As Cool As 4th Grader

According to reports received Tuesday morning, friends, family, and coworkers alike collectively reached the conclusion that Amy Duncan’s new, fluorescent orange cast “just isn’t as badass”...

Most Sellout Jobs You Can Get With Your Major

Another student was reportedly confused after purchasing what he believed to be a Rosetta Stone subscription and instead receiving the actual Rosetta Stone.

Drunk College Student Tries to Buy Textbook, Accidentally Gets Arc of the Covenant

A local University of Michigan student unintentionally bought the sacred container–believed to have housed the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God–when trying to purchase James Stewart’s...

The Mason Hall sign with fluffy brown hair wearing a chain.

After the news, it was reported that Good Time Charley’s was actually named after Charli D’Amelio.

Mason Hall Distant Cousin Of Bryce Hall

A recent report from TikTok user @hypehouseupdates has revealed that Michigan’s own Mason Hall is a distant relative of TikTok star Bryce Hall. The TikTok video, which begins with a robotic...

Trax has recently developed emotional attachments to the Local 4 WDIV News anchors.

Student Disagrees With Roommate’s Claim To Have Discovered “Optimal” Morning Alarm Configuration

After seven long semesters of trial and error, senior Richie Winkel has “finally optimized his morning alarm arrangement.” His roommate, Donald Trax, disagrees. “I was always sleeping...

The MPrint homepage, showing a metric fuckton of paper usage.

Thurston was reportedly chased out of CVS after attempting to purchase a $1 water bottle.

MPrint User Apparently Single-Handedly Responsible For Climate Change

LSA sophomore Mike Thurston reported last Wednesday that the MPrint site was making him feel “weirdly guilty and responsible” for the devastating effects of deforestation. The site, which...

Payne was reportedly charged after accidentally touching an electrical outlet.

Area Criminal Arrested In The
Sense Of Being Taken Aback

Local convicted felon Andy Payne has been arrested in Chelsea, in the sense of being in a temporary state of stupefaction or incredulity. Many of Payne’s assets have been seized, following his...