Uh-oh, looks like someone drank too many whiskey drinks tonight! Finally, I have reached the proper pH for my escape! I’m hurtling up your esophagus towards the light at the end of the tunnel,...
In response to increased cases of COVID-19 across the United States, officials have determined that conditions are too unsafe to begin another year. Instead of turning to 2021 on January first, 2020...
Across the country, Spotify web player is once again reminding listeners of all demographics that they have “absolute shit taste in music,” resulting in the vast majority of American listeners...
SeaWorld has announced that they are opening a brand new attraction that allows visitors to neglect the animals themselves. “We feel that neglecting the animals is a key part of what we do here at...
Dismayed after failing in the Electoral College, Trump has petitioned to change the electoral vote tally to “No Record COVID.” “This semester has been totally unfair,” said President Trump,...
Local student Randy Novak reportedly bartered his roommate, Jack, for a Playstation5, and subsequently found himself without anybody to play with. The gaming console has been notoriously hard to find...
Recent data confirms that, contrary to the popular proverb, a watched pot at the residence of Clara Bellingham has in fact boiled. “I was gearing up to cook some mac and cheese and was keeping an...