Sources report local K-9 unit hero dog, Duke, is under internal investigation for planting evidence in over a dozen cases. The Department of Justice plans to bring forth 17 cases of fraud, 19 cases...
Area frat star Nico Mueller was recently overheard emphatically telling his brothers about his mission to avoid seed oils, despite buying a bag of cocaine every weekend “They’re just, really,...
New Jersey Foxtree Golf Club has recently been the subject of a “woke controversy” after removing a clause in their constitution that previously encouraged members to “unjustly yell at...
As colleges wrap up their spring semesters across the country, DC locals are bracing themselves for the annual dreaded descent of interns upon their hometown. “DC in the summer is the absolute...
According to reports, one campus band has rebranded their image and renamed their group from “We Got the Groove” to “Pegasus Suicide,” in hopes that it would better suit their new sound....
According to sources on the scene last Saturday, Rick’s American Café was not accepting any “fakes,” henceforth banning any disingenuous people from entering the establishment. “It’s...
While on hold with University Health Services last Monday morning, Engineering junior Nate Benson was reportedly “bemused beyond words” when he discovered the clinic “also offers nurse advice...