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Your Acid Reflux

Acid Reflux
By Your Acid Reflux
Opinion

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again

Uh-oh, looks like someone drank too many whiskey drinks tonight! Finally, I have reached the proper pH for my escape! I’m hurtling up your esophagus towards the light at the end of the tunnel,...

  • Jan 19, 2021
Experts confirmed a transition to a new year would be too risky.
National

2021 Cancelled Due To COVID

In response to increased cases of COVID-19 across the United States, officials have determined that conditions are too unsafe to begin another year. Instead of turning to 2021 on January first, 2020...

  • Dec 22, 2020
someone holding a smartphone (with spotify logo) in their hand, headphones in their eats
When user #984537 realized they were in the top 0.05% of listeners, they knew something had to change.
National

Spotify Wrapped Prompts Listeners To Create New Year’s Resolutions To Develop Better Taste In Music

Across the country, Spotify web player is once again reminding listeners of all demographics that they have “absolute shit taste in music,” resulting in the vast majority of American listeners...

  • Dec 22, 2020
a whale jumping out of a tank at the request of a trainer
The new attraction reportedly allows visitors to see the direct impact they can have on sea life.
Campus

New SeaWorld Attraction Lets You Neglect Animals Yourself

SeaWorld has announced that they are opening a brand new attraction that allows visitors to neglect the animals themselves. “We feel that neglecting the animals is a key part of what we do here at...

  • Dec 22, 2020
Since no credit will be awarded by the Electoral College, the election effectively never took place.
Campus

Trump Changes Grade To “No Record Covid” After Failure In Electoral College

Dismayed after failing in the Electoral College, Trump has petitioned to change the electoral vote tally to “No Record COVID.” “This semester has been totally unfair,” said President Trump,...

  • Dec 22, 2020
ps5 gaming console in front of a brick wall
Novak was seen in his house by himself playing on the console that was worth more to him than half of his rent
Campus

Student Trades Roommate For PS5, Has Nobody To Play It With

Local student Randy Novak reportedly bartered his roommate, Jack, for a Playstation5, and subsequently found himself without anybody to play with. The gaming console has been notoriously hard to find...

  • Dec 21, 2020
a pot on a stove, bubbles and steam rising
Bellingham reportedly witnessed the water’s evolution from a light simmer to a full rolling boil before her very eyes.
Campus

Report: Watched Pot Boils

Recent data confirms that, contrary to the popular proverb, a watched pot at the residence of Clara Bellingham has in fact boiled. “I was gearing up to cook some mac and cheese and was keeping an...

  • Dec 21, 2020
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