After a year of telling it like it is and calling it like I see it, I’m officially done with The Every Three Weekly. It’s been told the way it was and called the way I saw. And it is jokes like that, like when I said “It’s been told the way it was and called the way I saw,” that will make my conclusion here at the paper so hard for readers.
But I am confident that I performed my observational duties to the best of my abilities. So let’s take a trip down memory lane and celebrate my legacy, my talent, and my undeniable relationship with our readers.
In my tenure here, I wrote a biting piece that covered the hypocrisy in the student government that you didn’t read, and an insightful article on teacher salaries that you didn’t see. I’ve analyzed the rampant corruption in the education system, scrutinized the student Greek life, and lampooned the new school president, all in one tantalizing issue you could not find under a stack of month-old Metro-Times issues. You’ve stepped over my exposé on drugs on campus and threw away my brilliant takedown of the Divest movement, right after I handed it to you in the Diag. I remember. You looked me in the eye and smiled as you did it.
But I am moving on, and the paper is too. I can sleep at night, from now on, knowing that new satirists, artists, and visionaries are carrying on The Every Three Weekly’s torch of wit, dignity, and the constant search for truth. Whenever there is a second-grade level pun to be put together last minute, the Weekly will be there. Whenever there is an obvious observation about a frat guy to be addressed, the Weekly will be there. And if there is a poop/ Mary Sue Coleman joke on the student body’s mind that needs to be made, God help us, the Weekly will be there to Photoshop a picture of poop. On Mary Sue Coleman.
It has not only been my privilege, but my duty, to ridicule the controversies, activist groups, bullies, Sorority sisters and dumber Sorority sisters. You know the ones. The ones that volunteer to help handicap kids but don’t let girls live in their house because they’re ugly. I am just happy knowing I threw my two cents in.
And if I had to choose one piece to be remembered for, it would have to be my blistering parody of the Football team that resulted in national media tension and me almost being kicked out of school. You spit your gum on that page and threw it on the ground.
Originally published: Apr 2014