First of all I want to thank you, dear reader! This paper has been produced for the sole purpose of making you laugh (best case scenario) or at least half-heartedly smile as often as humanly possible. If you are looking for jokes in this farewell, however, you won’t find any. Well maybe one, but it comes much later and not all that funny.
I was going to spend this farewell describing my experience coming to U of M as a transfer student, but, as always, Emily did a much better job of that than I ever could.
So instead I’m going to spend the next few sentences thanking those who have been important to me, especially during my time as a staff member of the E3W, so ignore them if you really hate name dropping. It has been my distinct honor to serve on the Every Three Weekly’s staff through many regimes (Chinese is really hard guys). I will always be thankful to a few of the editors from my own time as a writer: Kevin Binder, Brenna Field and Nathan Kearns. I would also like to thank all of the writers I’ve worked with during my time as an editor. I am constantly amazed with your ideas and the passion you bring to this paper. Your creativity scares me and I rarely laugh as hard as I do during our pitch meetings. I enjoyed getting to know each of you; you’re all awesome people and I leave this paper in your capable hands.
Of course, I would be remiss not to thank all of my fellow editors (Marie, Sam, Elizabeth, Emily, Andrew and Seth). We may have argued constantly, but I know it was because in our hearts, we agreed that I was right. I consider you all friends and look forward to running into you at failed comedian conferences for years to come (I told you the joke wasn’t funny). I would like to thank Nick Maue for letting me steal his one cocaine joke for my application–I’m 100% sure it is the reason I got in this paper in the first place. Thanks to Becca Volpano for putting up with me endlessly pitching her my bad jokes. You are my favorite critic and I appreciate your tireless patience in always telling me that, no, I’m not all that funny. Luther Haus for always letting me feel like I was a part of something. Lastly, I would like to thank my parents, who have indulged my creative side and loved and supported me no matter what.
If you’ve made it this far, dear reader, you have my congratulations. Really you have my life-long admiration if you read more than just the headlines. The Every Three Weekly (and I use its Christian name liberally) has always been for you. Whether you find us online or in print, just know that we are all just like you, little worms wiggling around this big university trying to make sense of it all. I love you and thank you.
Yours always, Ethan Auburn, fondly and warmly.