Sorry Not Sorry: I Accidentally Embezzled Away Thy Entire $14 Trillion Endowment

When I first joined the paper three years ago, I thought I had struck gold in terms of finding my niche here on campus. Little did I know I had actually struck it rich in the form of thy sweet, sweet $14 trillion endowment. 

It started out as a harmless enterprise. A slice of Domino’s pizza here, a Charley’s fish bowl there. Mere chump change, nothing big. Next thing I know, I’ve been blacklisted by every casino in the Mediterranean, the Department of Natural Resources won’t get off my back about my white rhino collection, and relatives I’ve never heard of are calling me every other week saying they’ve been kidnapped for ransom. 

By the time I realized my spending habit had gotten out of control, it was too late. Thy once bountiful booty was down to a single $1 bill, which I accidentally made all wrinkly when I forgot to take it out of my pants pocket before doing laundry. For that, I apologize. 

I had hoped my legacy would be one of good times to look back on — of 4 am nights at layout and too much boxed wine in someone’s fair-smelling room. But instead, I’m leaving you broke as shit. 

So as I depart this sacred mug and rag we’ve held so dear, I ask of you one last thing: learn from my mistakes. Don’t upload the FINAL DRAFT.pdf sideways. Don’t unplug Ben Manley’s computer while he’s working on the front page Photoshop. And whatever you do, safeguard the remnants of your squandered UAC budget — don’t spend it all in one place. 

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