I’ll Let You In On A Little Secret: There Is No HR Department

Hey kid, I know you’re new here, but since you’re chill, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know the HR Department on the 3rd floor? I hate to break this to you—but it doesn’t exist.

That’s right, when we say, “We’ll run it by HR,” what we really mean is, “Please please please please please forget about this issue and/or get so fatigued by a lack of response that you just give up on trying to reach a solution.” We really favor a “cry it out” approach to conflict resolution, although this strategy is really just a result of having no one to resolve the conflict.

If it feels like you’re shouting into the void sometimes, I just wanted to confirm that you absolutely are. Only, a void, unlike our HR Department, is a thing that actually exists. Indeed, “We hear your concern,” has about as much weight behind these walls as saying, “We should hang out sometime.” On a similar note, the 3rd floor is just where we play ping pong and hotbox the empty offices.

As far as recruitment goes, that’s a delicate balance of nepotism and good old-fashioned prejudice. Forget cover letters. We just need an excuse to pretend we’ll like you. Basically, if the boss digs your social media persona, you’re on the team. And those “HR updates” you get from the mail? Completely forged. Sorry. We stole them from a nonprofit in Seattle.

I probably shouldn’t be telling you all this, but I like you, so I just wanted to let you know.

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