Despite Best Efforts Of University, Alex Wagner Graduates

Alex Wagner

You fuckers really thought you had me, huh?

I’ll admit, it was a good effort. I give credit where it’s due, and whichever one of you blood-guzzling imps thought to put classes online and charge us more for it deserves all the credit I can give. I hope he got a raise with the extra 2% tuition I paid this year.

What’s that, department? You finally got me a list of classes I can take? Cool, glad it only took a whole-ass year to get this. That class doesn’t exist anymore? Bitchin’, guess I’ll drop the minor. I hope that you’re telling the truth, and I don’t end up trying to apply for graduation only to have them tell me I can’t because it’s still on my transcript. That would be pretty inconvenient, right fellas?

Oh, hold on, I’m getting an email from the provost. Oh, no spring break this year? That’s fine. We have Wellness Days, right? Yeah, a Tuesday with no classes is totally enough to combat the single most mentally taxing time period that’s happened since the 1900s. It’s not like all my classes are online anyway, so I could fly to Cancun, mouth-kiss every person in sight, log into my class on the airport wifi, come back to Michigan, and spit directly into your mouth. That’s not something that can happen, right?

Y’all really tried your darndest, I’ll give you that much. But I can out-petty you fuckers eight days out of the week, and you best remember that. I may not have won here, but you piss-goblins sure as hell didn’t either, and that’s what really matters.

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