Hello again, my precious little reader. Yeah I’m talking to you! You may not have always known who I am, but trust me, I’ve kept a very close eye on you. I’ve watched you while you gawked, giggled, and gagged, all while reading my articles. You think I’m kidding? One time I literally took cover behind a tree and recorded you while you ogled at the (university-funded) sex doll I planted in the Diag. Check our Instagram.
You may be thinking to yourself, “Ohhhh, that’s right! It’s a satirical paper! She must be kidding, it’s her (unpaid) job to write fake news,” but I’m here to report that everything you think you know about The Every Three Weekly is a lie. Every last word I have written for this publication is the raw, occasionally edited truth.
Over the past few years, I have had the honor of gestating and delivering deep cuts such as “Report: Trader Joe’s Employee Secretly Hopes You’ll Get Pancaked in The Parking Lot” and “New Body-Fluid Positive Line at Victoria’s Secret Comes With Period Stains” to the world.
When others ran at the sight of danger, I revved my engine and drove into the eye of the storm. My E3W family likes to joke that I eat near-death experiences for breakfast, but that month that I spent disguised as Kanye’s pet crocodile while researching for “Kanye Discovers Lithium Prescription Much Easier To Swallow When Not In AAA Battery Form,” I practically did.
I have never been afraid to write an article… until this one. This is the dreaded issue where I must say goodbye and never write another word ever again no matter the context. Despite receiving hourly offers to run modest publications such as The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times, I know that these pathetic positions would never fill the hole that The Every Three Weekly has dwelled in all this time.
So I decided it’s time to move on to something new: the wonderfully simple world of nursing. Even though I’m leaving, be comforted by the fact that someday, you will again marvel at the magic my hands create. If you’re lucky, the delicate lives of your loved ones will rest in them. While your father lays dying before me, I will recite Accutane Baby’s obituary and that open-skulled angel will bring him back to Earth. Personally, I look forward to the day he gets sick.
Headlines I’m Proud of:
New Body-Fluid Positive Line at Victoria’s Secret Comes With Period Stains
Report: Trader Joe’s Employee Secretly Hopes You’ll Get Pancaked in The Parking Lot
Homesick New York Native Student Urinates in Humidifier for “Homey Feel”
Kanye Discovers Lithium Prescription Much Easier To Swallow When Not In AAA Battery Form
Wikipedia’s Plea For Mercy Turns To Suicide Note After 1 Trillionth Reader Scrolls Away
Sober University Events Incentivize Attendance With Titties, Gambling, and More!
2022 Toyota Tacoma Recalled After Discovering Design Flaw Of Tiny Green Elf Farting In The Air Filters
Soul Cycle Announces 2023 Resolution To Keep Poor People Fat.