Parting Advice From The Every Three Weekly’s Resident Resident Advisor by Lars Johnson

In my years as an RA on this campus, I have reaped a great many pearls of wisdom about the workings, corrupt and clandestine, of our institution. I now pass on the highlights to forthcoming generations of Umich students for posterity. Here they are:

There is very fine print on Housing’s roommate agreement which states that “undersigned individuals must surrender their firstborn to the University upon request.” Just saying.

If you say “jungle juice” three times in a row, an RA will materialize. So watch out.

Sending Robert Graves’ poem “The Naked and the Nude” is 92% more effective than sending nudes and results in a stimulating conversation. Do with that what you will.

The Every Three Weekly may be better than sex (twice as often), but being seen reading it doubles as a foolproof birth control method as well. Best keep a copy on hand in case you’re ever short on condoms.

Peace out, kids, and remember: if anything about this paper fundamentally sickens you to your core, don’t hesitate to stop by my room, and we can talk it through.

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