During my time on this paper, lots of information has been spread about my actions/decisions as an editor and about my character overall. I would like to use my senior farewell to address these allegations and set the record straight.
First and foremost, I want to make it clear that I did NOT bribe my way into an editorial role on the paper using a combination of travellers checks and promises of a portion of my grandmother’s inheritance. Frankly, I’m offended that so many of you think that.
Second, my relationships with the other editors are purely professional. I have not had an affair with, been engaged to, or eloped with any of them.
Third, I never — not even for a second — used intimidation tactics to get the University Activities Center to continue funding this paper. This is a respectable publication that speaks for itself. For me to subtly mention my long history of hand-to-hand combat and knowledge of where to get sodium hydroxide in large quantities would be entirely unnecessary.
Finally, rest assured that my graduation does NOT equate to my forfeiture of power over this publication. I will remain integral to the success of the Every Three Weekly for as long as I live.