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Campus

CAPS Hosting Daily Workshops To Help Students Re-Stress Before Finals

Citing concerns over student performance on end-of-term examinations, the University’s Counseling and Psychological Services Center announced that it is piloting a program this April that hopes to...

  • Apr 21, 2015
Campus

Excited Schlissel Finds Dead Squirrel Behind Union, Wonders If You’d Like To Poke It With Stick

NEAR THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE UNION—Following the discovery of a newly deceased squirrel, University President Mark Schlissel has reportedly been out of the office for several hours examining the...

  • Apr 11, 2015
National

$30 Jar of Artisanal Mustard Consigned To Sit In Grandparents’ Cupboard Indefinitely

Despite their repeated intentions to use the gift to spice up a variety of vinaigrettes, marinades or glazes, local grandparents Terrence and Ida Adler have yet to find a worthy use for a small jar...

  • Apr 11, 2015
Featured

It Finally Time For Hawaiian Shirt, Declare Nation’s Dads

Noticing the weather this weekend will be “mighty fine,” several area dads have elected to wear Hawaiian shirts, citing the loose-fitting garments as a “sharp but breathable” choice for...

  • Apr 11, 2015
Featured

Man Listening to Country Music Finds Self Inexplicably Beginning to Question Veracity of Climate Change

In what he has described as an puzzling and troubling turn of events, area man Evan Trainer has found himself beginning to question global warming following an afternoon listening to country music....

  • Apr 11, 2015
National

Man Twirling Mustache Probably Suspect In Some Kind Of Train Robbery

The attempted murder of a young woman strapped to a local railway last Friday triggered eyewitnesses to suspect a man nearby, who at the time of the incident was twirling his mustache and grinning in...

  • Apr 11, 2015
National

Grandson Inherits Treasured Family Heirloom, Chronic Risk Of Heart Disease

After a long talk from his father about the object’s significance yesterday, area grandson Casey Dishman inherited his great-great-grandfather’s treasured timepiece along with his increased risk...

  • Apr 11, 2015
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