My first misadventures into the world of satire began over four years ago with an anonymously published and hastily constructed eight-page Onion knockoff called The Symposium. The topics my 12th grade mind selected for satirization—weed, high school sports, the popular kids, politics—reflected my then immature sense of humor, which would, four years later, evolve into a keen eye, deadset on making light of slightly harder drugs, college sports, Greek Life, and politics. Oh, how I’ve grown.
During these past four years with The Every Three Weekly, I’ve seen just about everything: litigious threats from the Briarwood Mall, the election of socialist pro-yogurt candidate Karlos Marx, hundreds of hilarious articles, and litigious threats from fellow students. Although we never got our day in court, my friends tell me I’d make a good lawyer (which is just a euphemistic way of saying ‘when we argue, I am inclined to hate you’).
Here I am, standing at the precipice of the real world, writing my last Every Three Weekly article with so many jokes still untold. When I’m gone, who will be there to point out that, for whatever reason, Canada Goose jackets are worn exclusively by Asian international students and members of Greek Life? Who will be there to concoct a condescending and convoluted analysis of why 95 percent of second floor UGLI studiers are in Greek Life? Who will pick up the reins and carry on the tradition of constantly pointing out the discouraged individuality and coerced social homogenization that comes with being a member of Greek Life? Who will be there to help me work out my deeply ingrained and psychologically damaging issues with Greek Life? (Anybody? Someone help me.)
The answer to all but the last question lies on page two in the staff box. If you are reading this online, you are out of luck in that regard, but it serves you right for the part you are playing in the destruction of print media. But, if you’re reading a good ol’ print version, flip on over to page two and take a look at all the other folks that have made my time on this paper without a doubt some of the best during my four years at Michigan. Hopefully, they will carry on the tradition of funny, thoughtful satire, and, just like I did, have a damn good time doing it.
Originally published: April 2014