I Thought This Was A Regular Newspaper

When I first joined this paper freshman year, I thought this was a reputable campus newspaper. Four years later, I’m finally told that all these stories are “not actually true,” and “are just using satire to poke fun at larger issues.” 

I can’t believe I have been listening to these fuckers for the past four years talk about politics, campus news, and current events. Turns out, President Schlissel doesn’t actually believe in leprechauns, and Mike Pence doesn’t actually call his wife “Mother.” Oh, wait that last one is actually true? See! How am I supposed to decipher fact from fiction! 

All I have to say is don’t believe the deception. If you want real campus news, go talk to the Diag preachers like the rest of us.

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