I Slept With Ethan To Get This Job, And I’ll Do It Again For My Next Job

For four years I’ve devoted my blood, sweat, and tears to the Every Three Weekly, and now the time has come for me to say my goodbyes, but before I do that, I gotta get something off my chest: I slept my way to the top of this organization, and I am fully planning on putting these skills to use in the future.

Man, it’s good to finally say that. I’ve been keeping that one bottled up, and it was really starting to weigh on me, but I’m finally willing to confess that my editor-in-chiefdom of this paper was the product of one passion-fueled night with my predecessor, Ethan, and it is a formula that I am definitely going to replicate in the future.

I won’t get into the details of February 16th 2019, when I bumped into Ethan at a party and, after one thing leading to another, became an editor of the E3W a couple days later. In fact, I didn’t even particularly enjoy it the first time, since it was just a career move. But I learned a few things, and next time I need Ethan to give me a job, I’ll know just what to do.

Really, the only flaw in my plan is that I have no idea what he does now, and I haven’t seen him since the pandemic anyways, so I’ll have to track him down. But that’s ok, because I know that when I find him, he’s just a bottle of wine away from promoting me to bigger and better things anyways, and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You know I’m not even graduating? I’m not getting a degree in Anthropology like my parents think (it’s kind of on them that they believed that anyways) and I’m definitely not getting a minor in “Museum Studies” (obviously that’s something I made up). I literally just wrote for the E3W for four years and didn’t study once, because I knew that diploma or no diploma, I have a nice, cozy job lined up for me wherever Ethan works.

And so, as I ascend to that mug and rag in the sky, I leave behind me a legacy of dubious jokes and dubious ethics, the likes of which may never be seen again. Luckily, nobody had to sleep with ME to get promoted while I was an editor; unlike me, they made it in on merit. Goodbye, my dear Threes. Stay funny, and please don’t follow in my footsteps. Forge your own path.

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