Multiple Puppy Bowl Contestants Test Pawsitive For Performance-Enhancing Hugs By Andrew Keating

During my time as an editor, I have been constantly humbled by how funny my fellow editors are, and I have almost always had great respect for their decisions. However, I disagreed vehemently with their decision not to run the following article. I felt that it was my duty, in my last act as co-Editor-in-Chief of The Every Three Weekly, to give the public the content they deserve.

Following multiple reports of growl play, Puppy Bowl Commissioner Roger Gooddog confirmed that multiple puppies had tested pawsitive for performance enhancing hugs. Pawsitive-testing players include Dog Gronkowski, Ndomikong Pooch, and Benji Roethlisburger.

“Performance enhancing hugs are a doggone disgrace,” said Puppy Bowl commissioner Roger Gooddog in comments to the press. “Anyone expecting to cheat and get away with it is barking up the wrong tree.”

The tests were ordered by Gooddog after allegations surfaced that Shar-Peiton Manning had used performance-enhancing hugs to increase the speed of recovery after eating some cheese off the floor.

“This is a travesty. There is no place for performance enhancing hugs in this league,” said FOX Puppy Bowl Sunday co-host Terrier Bradshaw. “There’s no doubt, these players have been very bad dogs.”

Bradshaw is not alone in his condemnation of the Puppy Bowl’s culture of hug abuse. Current players, such as Matt Staffordshire, Jack Russell Wilson and Drew Fleas all voiced their disgust with players who tested pawsitive.

“It’s pawful. the idea that Puppy Bowl players would cheat makes me furryous,” said Fleas.

At press time, legendary player Air Buddy has condemned the players who tested pawsitive, calling the scandal “the worst since Michael Vick.”

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