Hey kid, I know you’re new here, but since you’re chill, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know the HR Department on the 3rd floor? I hate to break this to you—but it doesn’t exist. That’s right, when we say, “We’ll run it by...
Yeah, it’s true. I didn’t get this job because I’m the funniest person on the paper. Or the smartest. Or even the most devastatingly beautiful. Shocking, I know. I am all those things, but that’s not why they made me Editor-In-Chief. They...
If this image is good enough for my official WhatsApp profile, it’s good enough for the world—ahh, I mean the Every Three Weekly! My fingers are too long… This was suggested to me as the title of a poem about unrequited love when I shared in...
Some mean seniors told me my freshman year that I should transfer schools. They said I would never get good enough grades to go to med school if I stayed at Michigan. I thought they were pessimistic. But they were right, I don’t have the...
You fuckers really thought you had me, huh? I’ll admit, it was a good effort. I give credit where it’s due, and whichever one of you blood-guzzling imps thought to put classes online and charge us more for it deserves all the credit I can give....
One thing they never tell you when you get to be a designer for The Every Three Weekly is how needy these editors are with direct communication. I mean honestly, before COVID, they actually made us come in person every 3 weeks to digitally give us a...
I, Julia Silverman, resident in the State of Michigan, being of sound mind, do hereby make, publish, and declare this document to be my Last Will and Testament. Following the sudden onset of fond feelings for the paper, my resignation was necessary....